In my recent essay, “Short-Sighted America,” among other things, I praised my twenty-plus-year-old giant-screen TV, a huge, cube-shaped gem which I reported had never once needed servicing in all of its years. In the typical irony of life, my wonderful old TV very suddenly, irreparably, and thoroughly died soon after I wrote that. Naturally, after being accustomed to such a sizable screen, I was unwilling to settle for a comparatively tiny one. I shuddered at the thought that my only remaining option, therefore, would be to purchase and tolerate one of today’s peculiarly-misshapen televisions.
In sadness and foreboding, I followed my husband, Chris, into the nearby “widescreen” store.
In typical fashion, the salesman sought immediately to stereotype us as viewers. In boasting about one brand’s six-instead-of-three basic colors, he enthusiastically fell back on sports-references in his motor-mouthed sales-pitch, assuring us that this brand of set would accurately show off the purple of the local football team’s uniform, saying frequently, “So if you’re Ravens’ fans….” Chris and I exchanged sardonic half-grins and rolled eyes each time that he said that, but he obliviously failed to notice, and obnoxiously barreled onward. Now, my parents had always taught me not to interrupt, that it was exceedingly rude to do so, but when the salesman spoke that phrase for the third time (without having ever taken a breath), I shouted over top of him, “We’re not!!!” He blinked, momentarily startled to silence, and then tried, “Or maybe you’re Redskins’ fans….” I refrained from taking the obvious opportunity to jokingly say, “Only in regard to redskin potato salad,” and instead insisted, “Enough about dumb sports! We watch good shows: Star Trek, movies, good stuff!” His face lit; he was once again on at least somewhat firm ground, and he said, “Ah yes, Star Trek! Well, it’s a shame that you didn’t arrive five or ten minutes earlier; Star Trek was on then!” I asked, “Which series?” He only fumbled briefly before responding, “The new one. Enterprise.” I shrugged and said, “You would have much better color-demonstration with the original.” He again blinked. (I must point out here that this salesman was no mere punk kid; he was certainly old enough to understand the reference).
Well, he went back into motor-mouth-mode, until he paused to ask Chris, “Cable or satellite?” With a perfect poker face, Chris blandly replied, “Neither.” This set the salesman blinking helplessly again. I clarified, “Antenna. You know, the original way. Our cable-and-satellite friends assure us that, whereas we have six channels of garbage, they have six hundred channels of garbage. Nothing’s on worth watching anyway.” * Blinky gestured in bewilderment toward the TVs, and asked, “But then why…?” I stared in disbelief at his obtuseness, and reminded him, “Star Trek. Movies. DVDs. VHSes. Every time we turn on the TV, we pop in either a disc or a tape.” Once again he was happy. “Ah yes! And you will love the way that your DVD-player and your VCR will hook up so easily to your new widescreen, regardless of individual brands!”
Moments later, he was saying, “…And this screen cannot be scratched. Your children….” He peered at us a little closer. “…Grandchildren….” I was shaking my head. “No children. No grandchildren. No kids will ever be near the set. And our rabbits aren’t tall enough to reach the screen, even when they stand up fully. It will not be scratched.” I could see Blinky silently mouth the word “rabbits,” before he bravely slipped back into vocal gear.
Near the end of his unbelievably long spiel, he was concluding, “So typical customers find….” He interrupted himself to admit more feebly, “…though I can tell that you’re not typical.” Somehow I refrained from cheerfully announcing, “Now you’ve got it!”
It took him more than an hour, but he finally figured out that we are not stereotypes; we are individuals.
* A few years ago, when I dropped my TV Guide subscription after decades as a faithful customer, a member of its staff called me to ask why. I gave a response similar to the above, and he then confessed, “Uh, yeah, we’re hearing that a lot lately.”
