INNOCENT BY-(WITNESS-STAND)-ERS

The following story is true in the sense that I really did dream this nightmare one night!

My friends and I seldom go into the inner city due to safety concerns. We made a rare exception recently for an evening dinner-dance cruise. Fortunately, the reality went a lot more smoothly than this dream!

We were keeping up a brisk pace on our way to the boat, trying to look confident, as if we did this sort of thing every day. An inner city street-punk (obvious by attire) of approximately age eight or nine evidently didn’t like the looks of some nearby Cardassian(!) soldiers in full uniform, two of whom appeared to be Gul Madred and Gul Lemec. Extremely unwisely, the punk let-fly some species-appropriate (but socially very inappropriate!) epithets. Lemec moved promptly to backhand the smart aleck, with a loud crack. As is typical these days, several people in the crowd began to shout “child abuse!” My friends and I turned quickly to each other in alarm. Unfortunately, we weren’t fast enough to escape being identified as witnesses, and subpoenaed for court.

The day that we entered the courtroom was one of the most anxiety-ridden of our lives. It got significantly worse when we saw who sat all along many of the seats: Cardassians had come out in force, in support of the defendants Lemec and Madred; there were even a number of Klingons there as a show of solidarity against us humans. In addition to Lemec and Madred, I specifically recognized Garak, Dukat, Damar, and Martok. They and their fellows looked decidedly sternly at us: the witnesses to be called by the prosecution. Their message was clear: Don’t cross us; we will retaliate!

Muttering to each other how much trouble we were in, we shakily took seats. Suddenly, I had an idea, but I only had time to whisper to my friends, “When they’re ready to call us, I’ll go up first; I have a plan; whatever you do, follow my lead!”

When the time came, the prosecutor asked me to tell what had occurred. Solemnly, I indicated the kid, and said, “He shouted something inexcusable at those two gentlemen there.” I pointed again.

“The defendants,” he sought clarity.

I intentionally shrugged and said, “If you say so. I would call them the victims of a horrible racial slur.”

He made a displeased face, but urged, “Then what happened?”

“I turned to my friends to see whether they had heard what I’d heard.”

“I mean, what next transpired between the defendants and the child?”

“I don’t know.”

“Why don’t you know?” He was, indeed, becoming displeased with me, but he wasn’t the one with whom I was concerned.

I deadpanned, “Because I turned to my friends to see whether they had heard what I’d heard.”

A titter went through the audience at my success in dragging the attorney in a circle.

“You saw nothing else after that?”

“The faces of my friends, who had heard what I’d heard.”

“I mean, outside of your group.” He was definitely annoyed with me.

“The police came.”

“Why do you suppose that they did that?” His sarcasm was barely in check.

“I assumed, to arrest the boy for trying to stir up a riot.”

He blinked at me. “You didn’t see one of the defendants strike the child??”

I quoted all of the old courtroom dramas that I had ever watched. “The counsel is leading the witness.”

Barely stifled humor traversed the courtroom.

“I’ll rephrase! Did you see anyone strike anyone?!”

“No, I was looking at my friends, and they were looking at me.” There! I’d safely set up my friends to be able to do exactly what I was doing.

He knew that, and struggled not to sag. “Did you at least hear what sounded like a loud, powerful slap?”

“That would be conjecture. Besides, the city is a noisy place.”

He was close to losing his temper. “At least, tell us what the young man shouted at the two defendants.”

I didn’t have to fake my thunderstruck expression, or my accompanying squirminess. Looking at the cluster of Cardassians and Klingons, I requested, “Please don’t make me say that; it was truly awful!”

“Tell the court what you heard!”

I cranked my volume down to barely audible. “He yelled, ‘Lousy, spoonheaded Cardies!’ I’m sorry!” I hastily added, still gazing at the aliens. “I’m not saying it; he did!” For my effort, I received a short appreciative nod of acknowledgment from Lemec.

“Well, mightn’t that have been sufficient to provoke some sort of physical response???” He was desperately trying to salvage something out of this testimony.

I quoted the old dramas again. “The witness would be drawing a conclusion.”

“Hypothetically! Could that shout have provoked a bodily retaliation??!”

“It would have, if I’d been the one insulted that severely.” I looked pointedly at the kid. “But I can’t speak for anyone else.”

The prosecutor was about to give me up as useless, but he tried a last-ditch effort. “Can you contribute anything that might shed light on this case?!!”

“Yes!” I was glad that he’d asked.

“Then do so!!!”

“Human parents had better soon relearn how to discipline their children, before some mouthy brat causes an interstellar war.”

Of course, all of my friends were only too happy to follow my example.

Later, outside in the parking lot, the acquitted defendants and their associates were nearby. I had to force myself to get up the nerve to approach, but I kept telling myself, Better here in a public place, and long before we might let down our guard.

“Pardon me, please, sirs.” I was now close enough to lower my voice to a whisper. “Are we in trouble with you???”

A smile. “No.”

Relief! “We didn’t want to testify! But the court system here…!”

“We know.”

Whew! Some dream, huh?