ANALYSIS

            "I believe that I have a solution to your worst problem, Professor, Major," said the Robot one day.

            "And which problem is that?" West prompted.

            "Dr. Smith."

            The two humans exchanged a look.

            "He's a problem all right," agreed Robinson. "And you think that you have a solution?"

            West said, "This I've got to hear."

            "I have analyzed his behavior. And several aspects do not add up, unless I examine them in an entirely different way. He seems to misbehave partly from a desire for attention, which makes me wonder what his childhood was like, and how his parents treated him. My guess is that they neglected him. Let's look at some concrete examples of his past behavior with you. Do you recall the time that you two ordered him to plant an explosive at drill site five, and he threw it in the bog instead?"

            West groaned. "Do I ever!"

            Robinson nodded. "It unleashed a monster from the bog on us."

            The Robot went on, "But let's examine the manner of his confession of his misdeed to you. If Dr. Smith wanted to stay out of trouble, he certainly went about it all wrong. First, instead of confessing by the light of day, he did so in the middle of the night, when you had all just been rudely awakened from a sound sleep by noise and damage. Unwise, to say the least."

            "That's true," Robinson admitted thoughtfully.

            "He waited until you two were in the worst possible mood. Having waited that long, he should have held off until the next day, when you would have been at least a bit more rested and relaxed. Second, if he had to confess to you during the nighttime crisis, he should at least have done it while the more sympathetic members of your party, the women and Will, were present. But no. He waited until they had all gone back into the ship. Until he was alone with you two, and thus more vulnerable."

            "Hey, that's right," West remembered.

            "Third, he should at least have had sense enough to make his confession a direct one, such as 'I'm sorry, but I disobeyed you, and threw the explosive into the bog. Please forgive me.' But instead, he played games with you and teased you with hints of a problem, and dodged your direct questions, therefore annoying you further by making you guess what he meant. Such a roundabout method could only increase your aggravation and his risk."

            "Yeah, and it did," West acknowledged.

            "Fourth, and most foolish of all, when he confessed, he went and stood between the two of you. He placed himself in the most vulnerable position possible. Logically, he should have stood as far from the two of you as he could get."

            "That's a good point." Robinson frowned.

            "Plus, he did get hurt, at least a little, as was evidently his intention. Major West, you seized his shirt front, and probably some skin along with it, because he protested, 'You're hurting me!' Then, Professor Robinson, you gripped his arm hard and yelled at him. I submit that Dr. Smith got what he really wanted, at least partially."

            West was astonished. "Are you saying that he wanted us to beat the daylights out of him??"

            "Not precisely. Please bear with me. Now, if we also think back to when an alien named the Keeper had the power to put Dr. Smith, Will, and Penny into a trance, and you two therefore deemed it necessary to lock all three of them in their quarters for the night, for their own safety. Dr. Smith protested. But it is the wording of his protest that interests me. He told you, Major West, that he resented your treating him like a child. He planted that suggestion knowing that you would do exactly what he claimed that he didn't want you to do, given your propensity to enjoy tormenting him. Sure enough, you did, saying, 'Dr. Smith, be a good little boy, and get inside.' Dr. Smith then reinforced that pattern by bellowing in disproportionately-exaggerated anger, 'Good little boy indeed,' knowing that that would fuel the fire and make it that much more likely that you would continue the pattern. He made his needs even more starkly obvious when he said, 'Major, you lay one finger on me, and I'll hold my breath,' lest you forget to treat him like a child. After all, what could be a more childish thing for him to say than that?"

            "All of that is very astute, Robot," Robinson declared.

            "But now, as to where all of this is leading. He clearly wants you to punish him physically, but he also wishes to be treated like a child. Professor Robinson, what would you do if Penny or Will behaved as badly as Dr. Smith does?"

            "Spank them," Robinson announced firmly.

            "Precisely."

            "You want us to spank Smith??" West demanded in disbelief.

            "He wants you to," the Robot corrected. "If indeed my theory is correct. He sees you two as parent-substitutes."

            "Wow." Robinson was amazed, and just beginning to become convinced of the validity of the Robot's theory.

            West whistled.

            "However, you must present a united front, just like good parents. You mustn't quarrel in front of him. Many times in the past, you disagreed on how to deal with him. That was a weakness, which allowed him to divide you, and play one of you against the other. Usually, when the Major threatened him, he ran to the Professor for protection. Once or twice, I saw the reverse take place. I am not criticizing; I can understand your reluctance to beat the daylights out of him, as you said. After all, there are no doctors and no hospitals out here, and Dr. Smith is not a young man. Something could go wrong, and you don't want that on your conscience. But the solution that I am proposing is harmless. I believe that on some subconscious level, it is even what Dr. Smith himself wants from you. Once his need is satisfied, he will likely behave better."

            Robinson and West exchanged a quizzical look, but were beginning to look tempted.

            "But remember," the Robot reminded them, "you must settle in advance all of your disagreements about dealing with him, while the two of you are alone. Cover every possible issue between you. Discuss how many times you're going to swat him, whether you will strike with your hand or with some implement, whether you will turn him over your knee or not, and whether or not you will lower his trousers first."

            Both men looked shocked at that last one.

            "But once you start with him, do not stop each other. And you both must administer the punishment, in order to prove that you are united. Since once may not be enough, leave room for it to be worse the next time, and tell him in what way it will be worse. Perhaps you will hit him twice as many times, or with an implement instead of a hand, or with him over your knee if you did not already do that, or you'll pull down his pants. Make clear what he can expect, and deliver this pronouncement in as scary a manner as possible. Do that after every time. It is my guess that by the third or fourth time, he will have had enough, and will behave better. Remember, you are dealing with a masochist who is also a coward, and who is in desperate need of attention."

            Days later, the Robot was watching surreptitiously when Robinson and West exercised their carefully-rehearsed punishment on Smith.

            The furtive smile on Smith's face was unmistakable confirmation of the Robot's theory.